Why Couples Stop Having Sex: Sex Therapy + Desire Differences with Alana Ogilvie
Sex is almost never just about sex.
In this episode of Maxwell’s Kitchen, I talk with Alana Ogilvie, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Certified Sex Therapist at Portland Sex Therapy, about desire differences, intimacy problems, emotional connection, open relationships, infidelity, porn, shame, confidence, and why couples often wait way too long to get help.
A lot of people think sex therapy is just about frequency. One person wants more. One person wants less. Everyone feels rejected, pressured, annoyed, confused, or quietly insane. But once you start pulling on that thread, it usually connects to everything else: communication, resentment, chores, emotional safety, old patterns, self-worth, and whether two people still know how to reach for each other.
IN THIS EPISODE
What sex therapy actually is
Why desire differences are so common in couples
Responsive desire vs. spontaneous desire
How chores, resentment, and emotional disconnection affect intimacy
Why sex can feel like 10 percent of a relationship when it works and 90 percent when it does not
Why couples often come to therapy too late
Open relationships, polyamory, and ethical non-monogamy
Infidelity and whether couples can recover
Porn, sex education, and unrealistic expectations
Shame, confidence, and feeling worthy
Pursue-withdraw patterns in relationships
When couples therapy is not the right fit
GUEST
Alana Ogilvie, LMFT, CST
Portland Sex Therapy
https://sextherapyportland.com/
Instagram
https://www.instagram.com/pdxsextherapy/
Alana Ogilvie is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) in the States of Oregon and Washington and a Certified Sex Therapist (CST) through the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT). In her private practice, Portland Sex Therapy, Alana provides counseling to individuals and relationships; clinical supervision and professional consultation. Her specialties include desire differences in couples, and working with folks in the poly and kinky communities.
WHY DESIRE DIFFERENCES MATTER
One of the biggest topics in this conversation is desire discrepancy, which is when one partner has a higher level of sexual desire than the other.
That can sound simple, but it rarely stays simple.
For one person, sex might be how they feel close. For the other person, closeness might be what makes sex possible in the first place. That disconnect can turn into rejection, resentment, pressure, avoidance, and the same argument wearing a fake mustache.
The useful part is realizing that different does not automatically mean broken. It means you have to learn how the other person works.
Annoying? Yes.
Necessary? Also yes.
IT IS NOT JUST ABOUT THE BEDROOM
One of the clearest points in the episode is that sex problems often show up in the bedroom, but they do not always start there.
If someone feels overworked, ignored, emotionally disconnected, resentful, unseen, or like they are carrying too much of the relationship, that can absolutely affect whether they want to be physically close later.
That does not mean sex should become transactional. It means the relationship is a system. If one part is breaking down, the rest of it feels the weight.
A couple might come in talking about sex and end up talking about dishes, communication, parenting, emotional needs, old patterns, and whether either person actually feels taken care of.
Very romantic stuff. Also real life.
RESPONSIVE DESIRE VS. SPONTANEOUS DESIRE
This was one of the most useful parts of the conversation.
Some people experience spontaneous desire. They think about sex randomly, feel desire quickly, and do not need a lot of emotional setup to get there.
Other people experience responsive desire. They may need the right circumstances, emotional connection, affection, safety, or a cue that intimacy is possible before desire shows up.
Neither one is wrong.
But if one partner is spontaneous and the other is responsive, they can completely misunderstand each other. One person feels rejected. The other feels pressured. Then both people start building a story where the other person is the problem.
That is usually where the work begins.
OPEN RELATIONSHIPS, POLYAMORY + INFIDELITY
We also talk about open relationships, polyamory, ethical non-monogamy, and what happens when one partner wants to open a relationship and the other person is not so sure.
That conversation can get complicated fast.
Sometimes people consider opening a relationship because they are curious. Sometimes it comes from mismatched desire. Sometimes it comes after infidelity. Sometimes it is a way of trying to reduce pressure inside the relationship.
But if people do not communicate clearly, deal with resentment, and agree on what the arrangement actually is, it can become a different version of the same problem.
Or worse, a more complicated one with calendar invites.
PORN, SHAME + MODERN SEX
The episode also gets into porn and the internet.
Porn is not automatically the villain, but treating porn like sex education can create problems. Entertainment is not the same thing as reality, and if someone learns sex from the internet without real communication, consent, emotional connection, or basic human awkwardness included, their expectations can get weird fast.
We also talk about shame, fantasies, confidence, and how often people carry things for years because they are afraid they are strange, broken, or alone.
Most of the time, they are not.
They are just human, which is somehow both comforting and deeply inconvenient.
QUICK TAKEAWAYS
Sex therapy is talk therapy. It is about the emotional, relational, and psychological pieces that affect sex and intimacy.
Desire differences are common, but they need to be talked about instead of silently turned into resentment.
When sex is working, it may feel like a small part of the relationship. When it is not working, it can feel like the whole problem.
Emotional connection and physical connection are often more linked than people want to admit.
Couples should get help earlier, not only when the relationship is already in the emotional emergency room.
Open relationships require honesty, structure, and a lot more communication than people sometimes expect.
Porn is entertainment, not a replacement for sex education or real connection.
Confidence and self-worth matter. If someone feels broken, ashamed, or unworthy, that can affect how they show up in intimacy.
Therapy does not save a relationship by itself. People save it by deciding they want to work differently.
