I Miss My Kids

There’s not much quite as heartbreaking as seeing an old photo of your kid. When they were little. When you were little.

You can never understand the advice the elders give you. It just rolls right off your back “Ok, old man”.

I didn’t listen either. “It will go by really fast. You’ll blink and they will be graduating high school”. “Ok, old man”.

Now I’m the old man.

I have baby pictures of all three of my children on my desk at my day job. A lot of the time they kinda blend in and become another item on my desk. But then sometimes I stop and really look at them. And it makes me cry. These little tiny people are in high school now. They are in middle school now. They have cell phones and baggy jeans and pimples and armpit hair. It’s so wild. I wish I could’ve understood that old man.

I don’t know what it is like to be anyone else because I am me. I don’t have a connection to animals. I don’t really give a shit about sports, and most of the things that used to be really important to me fade over the years. I do know there is something in me that really connects to kids. I don’t know if it was there before my children or came about afterwards. But it is very strong.

I miss my children. They are little adults now. And they are unbelievably capable of hurting your feelings. Destroying your afternoon. Wrecking your peaceful morning. They don’t even know how to do it. They don’t really understand. But they have so much power over you.

When I see other babies and young kids at the grocery store, or at the park or inside the candy aisle at target - I get this sense of pain in my heart. I had three of the most beautiful human beings tied to my legs constantly for years. And don’t get me wrong, I appreciated it. I made the most out of every situation and every day. But it’s gone now and it is difficult to think about. When you are a young parent and you’re poor and you are searching for daycare and trying to make money then pick the kids up and make some lasagna then read some books and do bath time and get them to bed. Wow. It can be exhausting. And sometimes you just want a break. But I swear to God right now I would pay monthly installments to have that again. I would funnel money from every paycheck to experience that struggle again. It was tough and I was ambitious and trying to get somewhere and a fucking idiot but also thought I was the smartest person alive. I had these three little muchachos that wanted to be with me. They laughed at everything and they played with me in the backyard and they let me hug them until I fell asleep.

I miss my kids